Got a toothbrush?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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