i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize