I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i believe in u and ur pee
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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