remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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