i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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