Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
