How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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