Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
and you fell through a lawn chair
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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