Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
