How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
