i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
