I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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