How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
