I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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