6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
