There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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