Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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