i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
