how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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