EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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