Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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