I wish I only lived at night.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
