I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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