there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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