my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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