I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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