Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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