We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
