So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
