Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i black out too much to be "responsible"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize