the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
