Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
