Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
