Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
