I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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