it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
