he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
