You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
