Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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