i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
