he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
