You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
