Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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