Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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