our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You dont lie about slip and slides
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
