Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i will never coherently bang her
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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