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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
just tell him i said nine months
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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