I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize