All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
