the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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