why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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