i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
