I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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