Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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