It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
