My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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