I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
pray to the hookup gods
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
