its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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