I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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