You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
