marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
