Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
