I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
