It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
