Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
