I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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