phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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