what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
