I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
