i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
